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THE TAILGATE: A Graphical Preview of Texas A&M vs. the Bye Week


By Longboard of Regents

Aggies, we’ve made it to our annual October bye week and Alabama loss. This SEC schedule is nothing like the one we were promised. This was supposed to be our big year. But this isn’t about to be one of those sappy, mopey articles about what should have been. That version of this article was too easy to write, and frankly, I want a challenge that will ultimately let me down in the 4th quarter (and possibly the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd).

Hear me out on this. We’re sitting at 3-1. The annual hype train has been delayed while leaving the station, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t on its way to its final destination. Where might that be, you ask? It’s none other than a New Year’s Six bowl. I can see it now: “The 9-1 Aggies slated for a top-10 matchup on New Year’s Eve.”

Yes, you could say I’m out of my mind. That Florida victory has me as high as Mötley Crüe in the 80’s, but it’ll take more than just an overdose to derail this hype train. Get your tickets now because we’re rolling full steam ahead, well above 25% capacity.

2020 has been too unpredictable to assume that we will fall into our same patterns. In a year where nothing has gone right, let’s go left. It’s time to turn the corner on 8-5 records. Fewer games = fewer losses. I don’t want to hear about how 6-4 is an 8-5 equivalent. Jimbo is guiding us. The promised land still awaits.

I know I’m not the first to denounce the 8-5 curse, and I certainly won’t be the last. But even a blind campus squirrel finds a nut once in a while. We might not win this week, but we sure as hell won’t lose. I’ll drink to that.

Aggies – 20

COVID – 19


By Milidairy Walk

Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M

After an incredible win over Florida and a win against Mississippi State, Jimbo is happy to relax and take his pick-up truck out to the lake and catch some catfish. Just as he feels a nibble from a fish, his phone rings to the tune of “Power” by Kanye West. He looks down to see Michael K. Young’s name on the screen and promptly hits “decline.” “Not that guy again,” Jimbo mutters to himself. What are they going to do? Fire him and still pay out his contract? Chuckling, he reels in the catfish and cracks open another 12th Man Lager.

Tom Herman, Texas

During a nightmare before the Baylor game on Saturday, Tom Herman finds himself in Darrell K. Royal down 49 points. He tries to shout at the players and run towards the team, but finds he is locked in place and silenced. Helpless, he watches as the team walks off the field and recruits de-commit in front of his eyes. As he sits down on the bench, a slowed version of the “Eyes of Texas” plays, and a hundred deep, angry voices chant, “Texas is NOT back.” Sweating, Herman looks down to realize his seat is on fire, and he frantically wakes up, later realizing not much is different in real life.

Ed Oregon, LSU

After a few too many beers while looking back at the last few games, Coach O opens his phone to see no new notifications. Sighing, he motions to the bartender for his tab and prepares himself to go back home to his family, disappointed by the last few months in his life. Fueled by either the fire inside or a little liquid courage, he opens his phone and types out a message to the one person he knows will never run back into his arms. “Joe, it’s me, Coach Ed. I just want you to know how much I care abut u. You were the best hting that’s ever hapened to me and I want u to know that. I know Cincinnati can’t compare to Baton ROuge and I know you have to miss me too. Joey, pls come home. I love you and I never wanted you to geaux.”

Mike Leach, Mississippi State

Mike, Mike, Mike… what a time he’s been having since beating LSU and then scoring more with his defense than offense against Kentucky. What’s even more important to note than his air raid offense or past feud with the lawyers at Texas Tech this week are his highly-shared Twitter memes (see below):


By Kushing Library

Every superhero is defined by the quality of their villains. Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has Joker, and Luke Skywalker has Darth Vader. In its rich 126 year history, the Fightin’ Texas Aggies have had a number of exciting villains for the fanbase to root against and keep the seasons exciting.

College Football Playoff National Championship - Clemson v LSU

Number 5: Other Football Teams. One of the biggest obstacles Texas A&M has run into over the years on its path towards college football supremacy is the other team they are forced to play each Saturday. The Aggies have a losing record against such rivals as Texas University, Arkansas, and LSU as well as a 19-22 record in bowl games. Most seasons, the problem with A&M football isn’t our own team; it’s the fact that those pesky other teams insist on actually showing up and playing good football.
Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images

UTSA v Texas A&M

Number 4: New Army. If this was just a list of top five villains in school history, then New Army would be an easy pick for number one. It’s no secret that the worst thing to happen to our great school is the addition of new students every year. Those of us cursed to go to school in 2020 rather than 1994 seethe with jealousy whenever we think about the “good ol’ days.” In football, it is no different. The modern-day 12th Man (if you can even call it that!) pales in comparison to the greatness of Kyle Field’s past. Back in the good ol’ days of Old Army, the 12th Man wouldn’t stop yelling until their lungs bled, they would stand so long ambulances would have to carry freshmen out, and the stadium would get so loud that the trajectory of balls could be changed. Nowadays, you’ll be lucky if the entitled students look up from their Snapgram and Facetube long enough to realize that a game is being played. Just this year, the season opener saw an attendance of only 24,073, the lowest in decades.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

NCAA FOOTBALL: DEC 28 Texas Bowl - Texas A&M v Kansas State

Number 3: Expectations. Since joining the SEC in 2012, A&M’s most competitive rival has been media and fan expectations. Old Army expects to be as good as Texas, just like we were under Slocum, New Army expects us to be able to beat Alabama like we did when Johnny Manziel was here, and the media expects us to be as good as our “Most Valuable Team in College Sports” title would suggest. In the past ten years, A&M has been ranked in the top 15 at some point in the season eight times. During that time, the Aggies have finished a season ranked in the top 15 just once. It should be clear at this point that A&M is NOT deserving of a top 15 ranking, and yet every season, the media and fans are shocked when the Aggies lose three games in October and finish 8-5. Photo by Ken Murray/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: OCT 03 TCU at Texas

Number 2: The Longhorn Network. In 2011, Texas University reached an agreement with ESPN to create its own spinoff channel, “The Longhorn Network.” In theory, this idea was ludicrous. Texas was hardly the most popular show on ESPN (it’s not like CBS is planning on creating ‘The Young Sheldon Network”), so why would they be deserving of an entire network? Nevertheless, the creation of the Longhorn Network was sure to bring in tons more revenue to the University and potentially be a great recruiting tool. A&M was so outraged by this that they left the Big 12 for the SEC and refused to play Texas ever again. If it wasn’t for this, A&M was sure to win a national championship with Johnny Manziel and multiple under Jimbo Fisher. This treacherous scheme ruined multiple rivalries and destroyed A&M’s future football supremacy in the process.
Photo by John Rivera/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl - Oklahoma State v Texas A&M

Number 1: Kellen Mond. There may be no greater villain to a college football team than Kellen Mond is to A&M. His combination of disturbing decisions both on and off the field has left fans disgusted and appalled. Since taking over as quarterback, Mond has had the audacity to post a winning percentage higher than the school’s average and be on pace to be the all-time leader in passing yards and touchdowns. Just this season, fans watched in horror as Mond allowed Alabama to throw for three touchdowns of over 60 yards. In fact, Mond has allowed Alabama to score over 45 points in three straight seasons. Who could forget the time Kellen Mond made kicker Daniel LaCamera miss two field goals in a two-point loss to Clemson? Worse than his play on the field, Mond has decided to use his leadership position to support such horrible ideas as “Cops shouldn’t kill black people” and “Maybe we shouldn’t have a statue of a confederate general on campus?” Johnny Manziel would NEVER make a story of his off the field actions. All that young man did was show up, play football, and go home.
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images


By Thanks & Gingham

Football

Make sure to keep an eye on the field at this game. There is football going on down there. Pay special attention to the men in jerseys. You’ll notice that the boys on the grass down there will be wearing two different-colored jerseys. This means that they are on different teams. Look for touchdowns. They’re very exciting! After those, the ball gets kicked through the giant fork at the end of the field. Look at who has the ball. They don’t want the other colored jersey to get it if they have it. If the other team gets it, wowee! We are in for a treat. So, make sure to look at that. The score is also good to look at. It will be on the big TVs. It tells you which team is doing good. Which team are you going to cheer for? Look at that and decide. Maybe you and your friends can root for the same squad!

Golf-Style Commentating Every Time an Injury Happens

A whistle. The medical staff rushing the field. A player on his back. The cessation of the exuberant energy from the commentators in the press box. Their voices become different than before. Gentle. Changed. Could it be? No. No, it couldn’t. The soundscape of this game is now that of a golf tournament. Fans in the stands are beginning to nod off and tie their sweaters around their necks. They’re holding cheap paper fans given to them by insurance agencies. They look as though when the player gets up, they might clap with only their fingertips. The commentators compare everyone to Tiger. The injured player arises and hobbles off the field. The commentators are now making personal attacks against a referee’s family again.

The Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band, Directed by Quentin Tarantino

In response to student complaints about the lack of cinematography in their halftime performance videos, the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band has enlisted the help of critically acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino. Be on the lookout for more closeups of senior boots and Christoph Waltz in the bugle line.

Hector Zeroni Kellen Mond

Fresh from his trip to God’s thumb, Mond is back and ready to name Texas A&M Football’s newest foot odor solution sponsor. Full of onion juice and century-old peach preserves, be on the lookout for fewer sacks from Mond this season. No one is going near that guy. We’re going to see a lot of holes on the field, which will open opportunities for some forward movement, as well as buried treasure. Kellen has a great brain for putting two and two together, but word has it the Texas A&M Football staff has brought on game-time tutors to work on his ability to read the field. He plans to dig deep and take us all the way this year. “If only, if only…”


By Hiss and Tell

Mississippi v Arkansas

Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Auburn @ Ole Miss
Do you hear that? That faint whistle of spread offense and Twitter clout? That’s the Lane Train baby, and it’s on a collision course headed straight for the perpetually sweater-vested hot seat of the Gus Bus. Tune in to see if the Tigers can continue to fumble their way into a win like the Ole Miss student section fumbles into Vaught-Hemmingway from the grove.

Alabama @ Tennessee
Knock Knock Knock. Nick Saban is rolling into Knoxville with his ragtag group of assorted 4- and 5-stars ready to systematically and with pinpoint accuracy destroy your hopes and dreams. That dream you had of retiring to Florida and owning a boat is crushed by the multitude of passing yards from…*checks notes*… Mac Jones. Death, Taxes, and Nick Saban beating his former assistants –– that’s all you’re guaranteed.


By I Took A Pill In Sbisa & Anime Sciences


By The Dixie Wiccan


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