By Longboard of Regents
Aggies, we’ve made it to our annual October bye week and Alabama loss. This SEC schedule is nothing like the one we were promised. This was supposed to be our big year. But this isn’t about to be one of those sappy, mopey articles about what should have been. That version of this article was too easy to write, and frankly, I want a challenge that will ultimately let me down in the 4th quarter (and possibly the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd).
Hear me out on this. We’re sitting at 3-1. The annual hype train has been delayed while leaving the station, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t on its way to its final destination. Where might that be, you ask? It’s none other than a New Year’s Six bowl. I can see it now: “The 9-1 Aggies slated for a top-10 matchup on New Year’s Eve.”
Yes, you could say I’m out of my mind. That Florida victory has me as high as Mötley Crüe in the 80’s, but it’ll take more than just an overdose to derail this hype train. Get your tickets now because we’re rolling full steam ahead, well above 25% capacity.
2020 has been too unpredictable to assume that we will fall into our same patterns. In a year where nothing has gone right, let’s go left. It’s time to turn the corner on 8-5 records. Fewer games = fewer losses. I don’t want to hear about how 6-4 is an 8-5 equivalent. Jimbo is guiding us. The promised land still awaits.
I know I’m not the first to denounce the 8-5 curse, and I certainly won’t be the last. But even a blind campus squirrel finds a nut once in a while. We might not win this week, but we sure as hell won’t lose. I’ll drink to that.
Aggies – 20
COVID – 19
By Milidairy Walk
Jimbo Fisher, Texas A&M
After an incredible win over Florida and a win against Mississippi State, Jimbo is happy to relax and take his pick-up truck out to the lake and catch some catfish. Just as he feels a nibble from a fish, his phone rings to the tune of “Power” by Kanye West. He looks down to see Michael K. Young’s name on the screen and promptly hits “decline.” “Not that guy again,” Jimbo mutters to himself. What are they going to do? Fire him and still pay out his contract? Chuckling, he reels in the catfish and cracks open another 12th Man Lager.
Tom Herman, Texas
During a nightmare before the Baylor game on Saturday, Tom Herman finds himself in Darrell K. Royal down 49 points. He tries to shout at the players and run towards the team, but finds he is locked in place and silenced. Helpless, he watches as the team walks off the field and recruits de-commit in front of his eyes. As he sits down on the bench, a slowed version of the “Eyes of Texas” plays, and a hundred deep, angry voices chant, “Texas is NOT back.” Sweating, Herman looks down to realize his seat is on fire, and he frantically wakes up, later realizing not much is different in real life.
Ed Oregon, LSU
After a few too many beers while looking back at the last few games, Coach O opens his phone to see no new notifications. Sighing, he motions to the bartender for his tab and prepares himself to go back home to his family, disappointed by the last few months in his life. Fueled by either the fire inside or a little liquid courage, he opens his phone and types out a message to the one person he knows will never run back into his arms. “Joe, it’s me, Coach Ed. I just want you to know how much I care abut u. You were the best hting that’s ever hapened to me and I want u to know that. I know Cincinnati can’t compare to Baton ROuge and I know you have to miss me too. Joey, pls come home. I love you and I never wanted you to geaux.”
Mike Leach, Mississippi State
Mike, Mike, Mike… what a time he’s been having since beating LSU and then scoring more with his defense than offense against Kentucky. What’s even more important to note than his air raid offense or past feud with the lawyers at Texas Tech this week are his highly-shared Twitter memes (see below):
By Kushing Library
Every superhero is defined by the quality of their villains. Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has Joker, and Luke Skywalker has Darth Vader. In its rich 126 year history, the Fightin’ Texas Aggies have had a number of exciting villains for the fanbase to root against and keep the seasons exciting.
By Thanks & Gingham
Make sure to keep an eye on the field at this game. There is football going on down there. Pay special attention to the men in jerseys. You’ll notice that the boys on the grass down there will be wearing two different-colored jerseys. This means that they are on different teams. Look for touchdowns. They’re very exciting! After those, the ball gets kicked through the giant fork at the end of the field. Look at who has the ball. They don’t want the other colored jersey to get it if they have it. If the other team gets it, wowee! We are in for a treat. So, make sure to look at that. The score is also good to look at. It will be on the big TVs. It tells you which team is doing good. Which team are you going to cheer for? Look at that and decide. Maybe you and your friends can root for the same squad!
Golf-Style Commentating Every Time an Injury Happens
A whistle. The medical staff rushing the field. A player on his back. The cessation of the exuberant energy from the commentators in the press box. Their voices become different than before. Gentle. Changed. Could it be? No. No, it couldn’t. The soundscape of this game is now that of a golf tournament. Fans in the stands are beginning to nod off and tie their sweaters around their necks. They’re holding cheap paper fans given to them by insurance agencies. They look as though when the player gets up, they might clap with only their fingertips. The commentators compare everyone to Tiger. The injured player arises and hobbles off the field. The commentators are now making personal attacks against a referee’s family again.
The Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band, Directed by Quentin Tarantino
In response to student complaints about the lack of cinematography in their halftime performance videos, the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band has enlisted the help of critically acclaimed director Quentin Tarantino. Be on the lookout for more closeups of senior boots and Christoph Waltz in the bugle line.
Hector Zeroni Kellen Mond
Fresh from his trip to God’s thumb, Mond is back and ready to name Texas A&M Football’s newest foot odor solution sponsor. Full of onion juice and century-old peach preserves, be on the lookout for fewer sacks from Mond this season. No one is going near that guy. We’re going to see a lot of holes on the field, which will open opportunities for some forward movement, as well as buried treasure. Kellen has a great brain for putting two and two together, but word has it the Texas A&M Football staff has brought on game-time tutors to work on his ability to read the field. He plans to dig deep and take us all the way this year. “If only, if only…”
By Hiss and Tell
Auburn @ Ole Miss
Do you hear that? That faint whistle of spread offense and Twitter clout? That’s the Lane Train baby, and it’s on a collision course headed straight for the perpetually sweater-vested hot seat of the Gus Bus. Tune in to see if the Tigers can continue to fumble their way into a win like the Ole Miss student section fumbles into Vaught-Hemmingway from the grove.
Alabama @ Tennessee
Knock Knock Knock. Nick Saban is rolling into Knoxville with his ragtag group of assorted 4- and 5-stars ready to systematically and with pinpoint accuracy destroy your hopes and dreams. That dream you had of retiring to Florida and owning a boat is crushed by the multitude of passing yards from…*checks notes*… Mac Jones. Death, Taxes, and Nick Saban beating his former assistants –– that’s all you’re guaranteed.
By I Took A Pill In Sbisa & Anime Sciences
By The Dixie Wiccan